Drinking Quotes

If you like these you can get some of them engraved on your own Drinking Quotes Beer Mug, Pilsner Glasses, Pint Glasses, Pitcher or Beer Mug and Pitcher Set.

58 Funny Drinking Quotes

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober." ~ William Butler Yeats

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol." ~ Anonymous

"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ H.L. Mencken

"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." ~ George Bernard Shaw

"Alcohol removes inhibitions - like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: "Now bring on that damn cat!" ~ Eleanor Early

"Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts." ~ Finley Peter Dunne

"When we drink we get drunk. When we get drunk we fall asleep. When we fall asleep we commit no sin. When we commit no sin we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" ~ W.C. Fields

"To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group." ~ Leo Durocher

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." ~ Winston Churchill

"Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." ~ W.C. Fields

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver" ~ Jack Handey

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." ~ Humphrey Bogart

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." ~ Dave Barry

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." ~ Oscar Wilde

"He was a wise man who invented beer." ~ Plato

"Remember 'I' before 'E', except in Budweiser." ~ Professor Irwin Corey

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~ Dean Martin

"And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." ~ Anonymous

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer." ~ Abraham Lincoln

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." ~ W.C. Fields

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ~ Cliff Clavin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

"There's too much blood in my alcohol system." ~ Anonymous

"I drink to make other people more interesting." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." ~ George Burns

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly." ~ Winston S. Churchill

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." ~ W.C. Fields

"I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host." ~ Dorothy Parker

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure." ~ Amrose Bierce

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking." ~ Dave Barry

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." ~ Richard Braunstein

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"Scotch: Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine." ~ Anonymous

"Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer." ~ Al Bundy

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." ~ Drew Carey

"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around." ~ Chelsea Handler

"My friends speak of my drinking.... but they know not of my thirst" ~ Anonymous

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy." ~ Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." ~ W.C. Fields

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." ~ Alex Levin

"Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems." ~ Homer Simpson

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." ~ Dorothy Parker

"I would rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy" ~ Dean Martin

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." ~ Jeff Foxworthy

"Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her." ~ W.C. Fields

"I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it." ~ Mark Twain

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon." ~ W.C. Fields

"The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it." ~ Lewis Grizzard

"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer." ~ Homer Simpson